Hey man, is everything alright—you’ve hardly touched any of our share plates, the yellowtail carpaccio with dried pea shoots and mango is simply divine. It’s $27.00, so I’d recommend taking your half-bite now. I even divided up the four pieces into seven equal pieces so we’d all get the same amount. It kind of shredded the fish but at least it’s even now.
Are you sure you don’t want a mezcal negroni? You realize the markup on that Pacifico is like 220%, right, like a six-pack from the bodega would be cheaper than that. And we aren’t itemizing this meal either, Sneesh is on his fourth dirty gin martini with four blue-cheese-stuffed olives, you might want to catch up. Unless you want to subsidize Sneesh, I don’t, that’s why I’m sipping top-shelf vodka. The more expensive it is the less it tastes like anything at all.
I like your jeans, very classic. Oh they’re just Levi’s? Are you sure they aren’t vintage 501s? Oh, you got them at the Levi’s flagship in Williamsburg. Yeah I know that street, the one with the Chipotle. I avoid it now, the smell of Chipotle from even a block away could make me relapse.
By the way Sarah told me she ran into you! Yeah we still talk, so what, it’s normal to be friends with exes. How else am I going to know what’s going on in her life, besides the twenty IG stories she posts every day. We’re getting sidetracked. Point is, she said she saw you outside Blank Street Coffee. You know that’s like an evil company, right? I’m not exactly sure why, but it’s evil, I’m sure about that. Something about their espresso machines being expensive or VC money? I don’t like the font they use, I’m sure about that. Crazy you got a matcha there, doesn’t your neighborhood have more Japanese cafes per capita than anywhere else outside of Japan? A matcha at Kijitoria is only $8.50 with tip.
Have you checked your Instagram today? I sent you a couple of highly curated memes that I only sent to a few other people and group chats indiscriminately. Look at this shit, this monkey is riding shotgun drinking a soda, isn’t that fire? You used to love Throwing Fits, but you haven’t liked the last few memes I sent you. Not even the one about how wearing a bandana around your neck is worth a thousand bodies. Remember when Tomas did that? I wonder how his marriage is going. I heard he moved in with his wife in Connecticut. Her dad invented the Mortgage Backed Security.
Oh, we are matching? In our Sambas? Are those Wales Bonner? I don’t recognize that color-way, plain black and white. No, mine are from the Bad Bunny pack. Yours are general release, right? I guess we are matching, in the same way Murray Hill and LES are both technically in Manhattan. I haven’t been there since 2019, I just know it’s mid though.
I noticed you haven’t pre-ordered my new merch drop. Whatever happened to supporting the homies? I’m kidding man, but really, is there an issue with the graphic? You aren’t rocking with “MALE PATTERN BALLING” in slab serif on a Los Angeles Apparel blank? I didn’t even use Fiverr designers for this one, I literally just typed the shit in Word and screenshotted. Illustrator is played out, not that I know how to use that shit anyway. 2025 is going to be huge for the brand, I started drinking matcha.
Oh, you are fucking with the new tattoo? Thank you dude, I appreciate that. Yeah, it’s a strawberry. Why? I just picked it on the day, you know how I do. I don’t even really like strawberries, they make my throat itch. I’m more of a mango guy, but that doesn’t translate as well on skin. The homie told me he hasn’t seen you around the shop in a minute. You got tattooed by someone else? Sick, let me see. Lines look a little thin… not sure that’s going to age well. And what’s that name? Oh, I’m sorry for your loss. But tattoos with meaning are a little try-hard, no?
I know I’m coming at you a little hard, but it comes from a place of not wanting to look wack-by-proxy. There are just some things we can’t ignore—I heard your tux at the last wedding was rented, I heard you went on a date with a girl who lives in Midtown South, I heard you cancelled your Paris Review subscription, I heard you are posting earnestly on LinkedIn, I heard you took your money out of our homie’s coin and put it in a high-yield savings account, and I heard you have Softsoap in your bathroom now. Yeah, the one with the fish on it. Not everything has to be Aesop, but have some self-respect.
This is tough, but I called an Uber Black for you. It’s taking you to a Vibe Rehabilitation center. I already called your dad, it’s paid for. It’s for the best. You think he invented those light bulbs that you can control on your phone to make the room sexy and shit for his son to wear Everlane? I enjoy being in proximity to you usually, but you haven’t been yourself. And that’s what breaks my heart, knowing I don’t want to run into the Raya girls I match with and never speak to when I’m with you. This has been hard on me. I might need a massage tomorrow to unwind. I’ll be completely different by the time you are back, we should get lunch then. Also, complete the venmo for this meal before they take your phone, it was chill, just like $200 a person. I’m still hungry. I might go grab a slice.