Nancy Meyers University
Once a year, my sister and I rewatch The Parent Trap. Back in the day, there was nothing more comforting than popping in the VCR and hearing the opening bars of L-O-V-E by Nat King Cole.1 This film still evokes similar thoughts years later; how tight it would be to have an identical twin,2 how good Dennis Quaid looks in a suede jacket,3 that I really want a butler who is also my boy, Meredith Blake being really hot,4 and how goddamn awful the titular parents are at love and parenting.
Nick Parker and Elizabeth James make many mistakes over the course of Nancy Meyer’s 128 minute tour-de-force/epic/masterpiece: breaking up for a reason they can’t remember (something to do with a hairdryer?), splitting up their identical twin daughters at birth, never telling their daughters that they have a sister, sending their kids to sleep-away camp in Maine, dating a publicist from San Francisco, putting a Ford’s-Theater-ass top hat on a bride during a photoshoot, forcing a publicist from San Francisco to go camping, getting married on a boat, and many many more.
Like all great romantic-comedies, The Parent Trap asks its leads to act like total buffoons to make the reconciliation that much sweeter. Without two mastermind genius 11-year old daughters, Nick and Elizabeth would never have gotten their happy(?) ever after.5 And it’s true, this makes for great entertainment. It’s much less enjoyable to watch people with decent chemistry try to make it work6 than it is to watch two cosmically attracted lovers self-sabotage again and again until the universe finally says that’s enough and plops them back together.
Looking back, my entire romantic education consisted of films like The Parent Trap. I passed classes like Meet Cute 202, Winning Over the Best Friend 101, and Big Romantic Gesture 400 well before I had my first kiss. Only recently have I started to ponder the impact this education has had on my expectations of love, romance, and partnership. And if, with all the other relationship content and advice out there, graduating cum laude from Nancy Meyers University is really all that bad.
Never Lie, Cheat, Steal, or Drink
Over the past couple weeks, I’ve been hard at work researching the ins-and-outs of both modern and classic rom-coms. In this short period, I’ve watched You’ve Got Mail, The Holiday,7 Notting Hill, Plus One, Hitch, Adventureland, and the Glen Powell-Sydney Sweeney vehicle Anyone But You not once but twice (in three days). This is all to say, I am putting in the work. Your other pre-monetization Substack sidepieces are not putting up shots in a dark gym at 3AM like me.
Back to the task at hand. Most classic rom-coms follow a similar plot structure:
Meet-cute: Moment where the two love interests interact on screen for the first time. The car ride in When Harry Met Sally and the bar scene in Hitch are two of my favorites here. The filmmakers establish through dialogue, the score, and good old-fashioned chemistry, that this connection is different somehow.8
Get together: The initial attraction is consummated in some way; whether it be a date, a kiss, or an off-putting sex scene.
Get un-together: Through some stupid act, or a tasteless overhead conversation, or straight up misunderstanding, our lovebirds are separated.
Epiphany: The main character realizes (through some convoluted cosmic intervention) that actually they can’t live without this other person.
Grand gesture: The protagonist lays themself bare in the name of love and commitment. Examples off the top of my head include jumping off a cliff at a wedding, jumping on top of a moving car, holding a boombox outside a house, singing a love song at a pep rally, and other more subtle examples like simply confessing one’s love at a New Year’s Eve party. My favorites here are the poem from 10 Things I Hate About You and Julia Roberts showing up with a priceless painting in Notting Hill.9
Together, happy forever: Usually consists of a vaguely cut montage set to an upbeat song that lets the audience know that the couple really #made it. The best version of the happy ending I’ve seen is again from When Harry Met Sally when they are cut into the “perfect couple” talking head segment that’s interspersed throughout the film.
These rom-coms have conditioned me to expect these beats to pop up in my own romantic pursuits. Not that I’m out here in Whole Foods expecting to graze someone’s hand as we reach for the last box of Nighty Night Extra,10 but like many other romantics with a Masters in Meet-Cutes, I do fantasize about having a moment where someone enters a room and the music changes.
So what are the universal truths I’ve been indoctrinated in?
Meeting them should feel Different™️: This person should be a breath of fresh air, a sight for sore eyes,11 they should evoke an unusual feeling, even if that feeling is annoyance, bemusement, or straight up anxiety. Sometimes this Difference™️ is covered by context, the serendipity of connecting with someone in line at a concert, or in line for the bathroom at a bar, or in line for TSA pre-check when the pre-check line is actually longer than the regular line because of TSA Pre-Check Inflation.12 If you want to optimize for this I recommend going out to a wide variety of events with a full bladder. But most of the time, context is irrelevant. It could be at a pregame in your friend’s apartment or spotting someone across the bar. After meeting-cute, you lay your head on your pillow and go, damn, I can’t believe that person has existed this whole time.
Contrast is key aka opposites attract: Next rule. Your rom-com dreamboat is not the female/male/they/them version of you! This truth is why upon further review, I do not consider Anyone But You a successful rom-com. Glen Powell and Sydney Sweeney just look like they should be together, there is no contrast in either their absurd bodies or their personalities in the movie. The iconic rom-com pairings all have one thing in common: contrast in key personality traits that (spoiler alert) bring out the best in each other. Harry is a cynic and Sally is an optimist, Anna Scott from Notting Hill is a famous actress and Hugh Grant’s character is broke as hell aka grounded,13 and so on.
Tension is good: From these contrasts comes tension, and from tension love grows. The cynic vs. romantic axis is the most cliché, but also is probably the most effective. Before Sunrise pushes and pulls masterfully along this axis, showing how both characters benefit from the opposing viewpoint. Unfortunately, in the world of rom-coms, this tension will almost always result in a (usually temporary) uncoupling as the characters retreat to the comfort and familiarity of their lives in the BC era.14
Actions stem from externally-driven epiphanies: Rom-com fans need no reminding of the countless classic scenes in which the protagonist finally realizes that yes, they actually cannot live without their love interest. But what interests me here is not the realization itself, but what spurs the realization. The protagonist is, almost without fail, driven to an epiphany by external factors; whether it be advice from the best friend, seeing something unusual on the street, or even witnessing your dear friend Albert Brennaman (great guy) bag the woman of his dreams with nothing but fire dance moves and an inhaler.15 I acknowledge that it’s difficult to make the internal as entertaining as the external, but damn would it be nice to see a protagonist have a cup of tea in the morning alone and realize, damn, this cup of tea doesn’t hit the same minus that yappy human I used to date. Instead of thinking through things, we wait our whole lives for a sign.
Grand gestures move the needle: If you want someone, the grander the gesture the better. Bonus points for: spending too much money, embarrassing yourself, and making it as public as possible. The positive interpretation is that it’s never a bad idea to fully express yourself, the negative interpretation is that you can low-key manipulate someone into being with you.16 Like okay, I’ll go out with you if you stop bumping tunes on my lawn, my parents are trying to read.
Let Them vs. Rom-Com Mindset
I think “looking for signs” is the most prevalant of these rom-com patterns. Many let confirmation bias run rampant when checking Co-Star, getting their palms read, or even just walking around New York. On any given day, one might see a dozen things that remind them so specifically of someone that it must be fate. They might see a rat on the subway and think, oh my god, he was born in the year of the Rat! I’m going to confess my love and break up his marriage!
I look for signs constantly. As someone with a temperamental stomach, I’ve tracked when it feels good and not so good, and assigned credit or blame to the person I was dating at the time. What a wildly incomplete framework! Yes maybe I have an upset stomach because she isn’t right for me and my body knows, but who knows, maybe I also just had two cappuccinos before breakfast and Chipotle for dinner.
How unfair of me, to make the romantic part of my life solely responsible for my mental and physical wellbeing.
Besides looking for signs, most of these rom-com brainworms operate in sharp contrast to modern dating and relationship frameworks. Over the past few months my TikTok has served me a buffet of advice, everything ranging from alpha male “I’m addicted to heartbreak because it’s the best fuel to get absolutely jacked and rich,” to healed girlies listening to Lana on the way to get a little treat saying “nothing meant for you will ever leave you,” to the murky world of attachment theory.
Most of this content has a common thread: making you a grateful passenger in your own love life. The passive and deflecting language used bothers me. And yes, I’ve learned from my guided Headspace meditations that attempts to exercise control over outcomes in life is ultimately futile; but goddamn, can’t we have a little bit of agency as a treat?
Explaining every action in the context of a framework reduces people to frameworks themselves. Maybe your ex isn’t avoidant, maybe they just aren’t rocking with you. And yes everything happens for a reason, but sometimes the reason is you fucking it up!
And think about how boring a rom-com would be featuring two people who embody this kind of advice. From an insufferable “can an anxious and avoidant ever make it work” conversation with the best friend, to both love interests sitting around waiting for the first date call because obviously they both don’t chase they attract, this movie would be a tough, tough watch.
Consider the climax of a rom-com with a “healed” protagonist:
On the “let them” to rom-com mindset spectrum, I absolutely prefer rom-com mindset. In a life full of regrets large17 and small,18 I’ve never regretted the times I truly went for it—in any context whether it’s romantic, personal, or professional. And of course rejection sucks and getting your heart broken is gnarly,19 but I’ll always prefer to look back years down the line and know I expressed myself fully.
To be clear, I don’t want my romantic life to follow a rom-com beat for beat. How miserable the poorly plotted points of separation, how unnecessary the moments of externally driven epiphany, and how costly the grand romantic gestures… but at minimum, I’ve learned from rom-com protagonists that choice and action are imperative, and passivity is a death sentence.
Online dating and carefully curated personas have turned seeking love into a marketing exercise—swiping on Hinge late at night feels eerily similar to scrolling deep in the SSENSE sale,20 we are always just one purchase or person away from fulfillment. With all these options, now more than ever (if you are pursuing monogamous relationships/life partnership) we need rom-com moments of “I choose you.”
Now in the real world, we don’t have adorable twin daughters to scheme and shift things in our favor while we bumble around with a publicist from San Francisco. But that doesn’t mean we can’t act accordingly to make shit happen for ourselves.21
And no, I’m not saying show up to an ex’s crib and throw rocks at their window,22 but don’t just let your love life happen to you. Exercise agency then accept the outcome. You are the protagonist!
This whole soundtrack is goated
I would have gone D1 in minimum 3 sports
I was so enamored with this role that for years an alt screen name of mine was “Dennis Quaid Jr.”
Mean women in big hats 😍
Based on what I know about these characters I think it’s highly likely they would have broken up again when Nick realizes the English weather will eventually ruin his beloved suede jacket
See the insufferable Five Year Engagement for why this doesn’t really work
An absolutely godless, abysmal movie
To the trained rom-com expert, its easy to watch a show like The Bachelor and predict who the final four will be based on the accompanying music to the contestant’s entrance alone
This didn’t work on the spot but it really should have
Nightynight tea please sponsor the bloggy blog
I have no idea what this means
Future blog
A “travel book store” has to be one of the worst businesses ever
Before Coupling
Also Knicks tickets
The flash cards scene in Love Actually is so heinous, that is your best friend’s wife!!
That time I wore an ASOS floral suit to a sorority formal
Not investing in Bitcoin when I learned about it in a class in 2014
Has to be gnarly for sad songs to be fire
No disrespect whatsoever
Disclaimer: this does not involve sabotaging an existing relationship. Do not sic a lizard on a publicist from San Francisco because she is dating the man of your dreams
Like please don’t do this… don’t be weird… don’t embarrass me
Have avoided watching Before Sunrise since I moved in case it forever taints my expectation of Parisian love. May need to face my fears.
Also, glad that a post with a 4.5 minute Hitch scene in it had such legs!
Another universal truth: list the things you love about the other person at the moment of reconciliation. Please see: When Harry Meets Sally for the original (“I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich”).